Confessions of a Sad Girl that Traveled Both Roads

As I drive through a sun-filled sky, 

I break into a monstrous sob, 

the rain filled me and burst from the clouds within

As the thoughts and fears creep into my mind and smirk 

because yes, if you fall in love and are loved, Death will surely sink his hands into your heart

I dream of happiness and love as I drive 

Only to cry 

Knowing that

I could dance and kiss and sing and laugh with the love of my life, and I could love so deeply––I could dream of what it’d be like to love and be loved––

Only to think of what it’d feel like if one of these cars struck him 

Or if a sickness poisoned his beautiful body and mind and heart from head to toe so there would be no chance of saving him 

how a hand could rip him out from my world my heart my soul––

and the familiar feeling of Death ripping away the person I love the most––

this burdens my soul

And I ache I literally ache at the idea of losing someone so close to me again.

So I resolve to let them hurt me, to keep me away, so long as it would save me from falling so deep, only to lose them to something greater than any evil––

Death. 

The cursed monster that I cannot protect anyone from

Not my brothers not my sister not my father not my grandmother not anyone my god why––

My friends have asked me why

I’ve bothered loving darker souls who do not love me––by God, I don’t know anything except that I know they will not be around forever because they do not love me, so I will expect their departure, I will be prepared and saying goodbye this way may scratch my skin but at least it won’t shred my soul and stomp on the pieces

I want to love him and to tell him but––

What if he loves me back? 

What then? 

What then? 

Then the bonds tie us so deeply interwoven our souls tangle together and if he dies––

God, 

if he dies…

a part of me will surely die too. 

To feel a part of death within your soul––

like poison burning your blood 

not enough to kill you––

enough to feel every bite of venom flame

This is the real reason I fall into men I know do not love me––

to love and be loved and to lose is a black hole

a dark demon that lies within a dying star

But to love and not be loved––

Yes, though the latter creates its own damage, it is the road I take

for I’ve been on the other road,

that road has been taken, 

and it does not have the better claim.